Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: Twitter Style

Here's another Twitterature post. Been working on this for a while now, it's somehow still quite long.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
@BehindTheseGreenEyes

So this giant Santa-Clause guy says I'm a wizard and enrolled at a magic school. Right! He must be on crack.
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Hagrid (giant) is serious. Currently in London, getting stuff for school. Went to the wizard bank, turns out I'm loaded. Eff yeah!
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Why is everyone telling me I'm famous?! And stop touching my scar you freaks!
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At King's X. Info guy looked at me as if I was barking asking for platform 9 3/4. Awesome. Hey..did that ginger just walk through the wall?
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School's a proper Dracula castle I'm tellin' ya. Got into Gryffindor. It's normal to tell a talking hat where to (or not to) put you right?
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Classes are wicked! Flying lessons sure beats PE! The Potions prof. Snape hates me though. Not my fault you haven't gotten laid in years!
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Who's the youngest in centuries to play for their house's Quidditch (kind of basketball on brooms) team? Who? Yes, moi. #swag
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TheDailyProphet
Dark wizards/witches believed to be behind Gringotts break in. Spokesgoblin insists nothing was stolen. Investigation continues.
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This guy Malfoy is pissing me off! Seriously needs a life. Challenged me to a duel but never showed up. Wuss.
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A 3-headed dog locked inside school. Check! (Was it standing on a trapdoor?) #notevenjoking
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Apparently Ron and I are friends with this valedictorian from hell, Hermione. She's better now, after we saved her from a 12 ft tall troll.
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First game and we totally beat the crap out of Slytherin!170-60! Snape's officially an ass for trying to kill me. #gryffindorslytheringame
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None of my business but Snape's up to no good. Bitten by the 3-headed dog, huh? Too bad it was only his leg.
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Merry Christmas folks! You won't believe what I got - an invisibility freakin' cloak! Girls bathroom next! Just joking. #or
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None of my business but does anyone know anything about Nicolas Flamel? Anyone?
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Baby dragons sounds a lot cuter than they are. Not that I know someone who has one or anything..
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Not supposed to tweet during detention, then again what kind of detention is walking around the forest? Malfoy is totally shitting bricks.
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It's normal to get a head splitting headache from seeing a guy drinking unicorn blood right? It was V------?! Well no big deal. #youknowwho
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None of my business but the Philosopher's stone eh? No wonder Snape wants it, eternal life and all the gold you want. It'd def get him laid.
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Revision is a bitch. Especially with this freakin' headache. Do they have Nurofen in this world?
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Snape's gonna make the move. None of my business but I need to stop him.
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Turns out it wasn't Snape. However, prob. shouldn't tweet about it. I'll just say: Man with 2 faces - totally kicked his ass.
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So it's back to Kent tomorrow. Sucks. Oh well, can at least threaten Dudley with turning him into a pig.