Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: Twitter Style

Here's another Twitterature post. Been working on this for a while now, it's somehow still quite long.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
@BehindTheseGreenEyes

So this giant Santa-Clause guy says I'm a wizard and enrolled at a magic school. Right! He must be on crack.
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Hagrid (giant) is serious. Currently in London, getting stuff for school. Went to the wizard bank, turns out I'm loaded. Eff yeah!
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Why is everyone telling me I'm famous?! And stop touching my scar you freaks!
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At King's X. Info guy looked at me as if I was barking asking for platform 9 3/4. Awesome. Hey..did that ginger just walk through the wall?
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School's a proper Dracula castle I'm tellin' ya. Got into Gryffindor. It's normal to tell a talking hat where to (or not to) put you right?
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Classes are wicked! Flying lessons sure beats PE! The Potions prof. Snape hates me though. Not my fault you haven't gotten laid in years!
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Who's the youngest in centuries to play for their house's Quidditch (kind of basketball on brooms) team? Who? Yes, moi. #swag
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TheDailyProphet
Dark wizards/witches believed to be behind Gringotts break in. Spokesgoblin insists nothing was stolen. Investigation continues.
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This guy Malfoy is pissing me off! Seriously needs a life. Challenged me to a duel but never showed up. Wuss.
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A 3-headed dog locked inside school. Check! (Was it standing on a trapdoor?) #notevenjoking
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Apparently Ron and I are friends with this valedictorian from hell, Hermione. She's better now, after we saved her from a 12 ft tall troll.
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First game and we totally beat the crap out of Slytherin!170-60! Snape's officially an ass for trying to kill me. #gryffindorslytheringame
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None of my business but Snape's up to no good. Bitten by the 3-headed dog, huh? Too bad it was only his leg.
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Merry Christmas folks! You won't believe what I got - an invisibility freakin' cloak! Girls bathroom next! Just joking. #or
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None of my business but does anyone know anything about Nicolas Flamel? Anyone?
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Baby dragons sounds a lot cuter than they are. Not that I know someone who has one or anything..
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Not supposed to tweet during detention, then again what kind of detention is walking around the forest? Malfoy is totally shitting bricks.
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It's normal to get a head splitting headache from seeing a guy drinking unicorn blood right? It was V------?! Well no big deal. #youknowwho
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None of my business but the Philosopher's stone eh? No wonder Snape wants it, eternal life and all the gold you want. It'd def get him laid.
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Revision is a bitch. Especially with this freakin' headache. Do they have Nurofen in this world?
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Snape's gonna make the move. None of my business but I need to stop him.
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Turns out it wasn't Snape. However, prob. shouldn't tweet about it. I'll just say: Man with 2 faces - totally kicked his ass.
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So it's back to Kent tomorrow. Sucks. Oh well, can at least threaten Dudley with turning him into a pig.

Phantom Of The Opera: Twitter style

Insipired by Twitterature I decided to have a go at Phantom of The Opera (rewatched it yesterday). However, rather than retelling the book (by Gaston Leroux) I'm retelling the movie (Phantom of the Opera, 2004). Yes, it's somewhat vulgar but that's all in the spirit of the Twitterature.

Phantom of The Opera
@ChristineOftheOpera

Got this awesome song teacher. Don't know his name but he sounds hot. Let's call him Angel of Music or Phantom.
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OMG, the new opera patron is my childhood sweetheart Raoul. Yup, he still wants me.
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Phantom took me down to the dungeons tonight. T'was awesome and not scary at all. He groped me but it's ok.
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Despite that scary ass mask, I'd totally tap that.
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Think Phantom likes me. He told everyone I should have the lead in the next opera. Think daddy would've been proud.
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Opera owners decided to give the lead to that diva bitch who can't even sing. Phantom wasn't happy, he killed a guy.
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I went to the roof with Raoul. Yup, we totally did it. Think some perv was watching us from behind the statue. #privacyplease
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PARTY TIME! Raoul proposed. Don't want to tell anyone yet. What would daddy think?
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Phantom totally crashed the party and was pissed at everyone. He had a black mask. My panties dropped to the floor.
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He said I was his forever? Wuut?! Confused. Wish daddy was here, he would sort this out. Right, gonna visit his grave.
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Daddy? Is that you? Darnit, it's just Phantom. Raoul's here too. They're fighting each other now. Too tired to intervene. #boyswillbeboys
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Raoul made a trap to capture Phantom. Planning-Raoul is so hot!
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Shite, I must be the bait. What if Phantom takes me? Did I tell you the dungeons stinks?!
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Haha! Tore your mask off in front of the whole audience. That's what you get for groping me!
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In the dungeon, listening to Phantom's sob history. Nobody loves me sob sob... Oh yes Raoul's here to save me!
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Feel sorry for the deformed dude. Alright I'll kiss you and you better let us go!
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We're free! But the opera burnt down. Oh well. Andrew Lloyd Webber better not make a sequel and call it Love Never Dies or something stupid like that.

Twitterature

Nowadays I'm a full-time lazy ass, which is incredibly nice. I've been reading quite a bit. I finished Sherlock Holmes' The Hound of the Baskervilles a few days back and went on to read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone, which I've never read in English before (yes, gasp and disgrace). While at the library I stumbled upon this absolutely brilliant book:

Picture: Penguin Books

You may know I've had some serious cases of Twitter addiction and I would like to believe it's better now, however some of it is still there I'm afraid. Twitterature takes 60 classical books and retells them in tweets. Beowulf, Pride and Prejudice, Dorian Gray, the Odyssey, you name it! The brilliance lie in the straight forward and sometimes quite vulgar comments (tweets) which tells the story in its uttermost essential and what you should've picked up from reading between the lines.

Excerpts:

Emma (Jane Austen)
@Darcylover1815
Isn't it funny how I'm always thinking about things I seem to not care about, people I don't love, and marriages I don't want to have?

Hamlet (William Shakespeare)
@OedipusGothplex
WTF IS POLONIUS DOING BEHIND THE CURTAIN?

Wuthering Heights (Emily Brontë)
@heathbar
My dying wish: that my spirit be united with Catherine's, that we roam the heath together forever, and that Kate Bush writes a song about us.

Cheerio,
Tiffany