That was me done

That's the 27 page dissertation I handed in this Tuesday, right there. Surreal.

Three years - 36 months - 1095 days and now I'm done with university. In fact, I might be done with school forever (please never let me do a masters, please please).

I looked forward to that last day of handing in my dissertation for so long with such an immense loathing of studying I actually thought I would burst into tears once it was all done, but I didn't. Instead I was quite freaked out. Never having to go to school ever again? Never having to study ever again? Studying is all I've ever known, what now? It was like a wish I should've carefully wished for.

As of right now, I'm looking forward to a week and a half holiday back in Swedenland, back to London for a few months of work, graduate from university properly (with gowns, diplomas and all those fancy stuff) in September and then, who knows - might stay in London, might go back to Sweden, might go to China. Who knows.

Why I can't do nothing anymore

I don't know about you but I used to be so fed up with people who kept saying that my generation wouldn't survive without our phones - in a "we used to write letters to our friends and it was so awesome and you'll never know how it is" kind of way. Not only does it make them sound incredibly stuck-up but it was also a completely untrue generalisation.

I've never been a person who saw much value in my phone and to be honest before I got a smartphone I barely used my mobile at all. I wasn't constantly texting someone or getting tons of calls, I was too cheap for that! So whenever someone would proclaim their love for their phone, I would think they were simply daft.

Then I got an iPhone. I was naively unaware of what the phone which tweets, emails, googles, facebooks and whatever tickles your fancy would do to me - the full effect of which only came crashing on me a few days ago when I took the tube.

It was Tuesday afternoon and I had just finished a long and rather depressing day at school and I needed a pick-me-up. So sushi it was! Getting on at Holloway road it was a 7 stop journey to Piccadilly Circus (which has this small sushi place I like), fine no big deal.

Having become the overground snob as I am, taking the tube is a receptionless nightmare - a unbearable receptionless nightmare if you've forgot to bring your book and haven't been able to snatch someone's Evening Standard.

After four minutes of reading the menopause ads, memorising people's shoes and identifying tourists, I was scratching my jeans, shaking my leg and wanted to scream out loud due to boredom. "How do you people do this?!"

It was a terrifying experience for two reasons, one: I was actually about to go crazy due to boredom and two: it made me realise how dependent I've become on my phone.

I'd become so used to being able to multi-task and being stimulated with silly Twitter trending topics, the latest news updates from my 37 news apps or funny direct messages, that when I just had to sit on the tube and do nothing for 20 minutes (with a working iPod btw) it was one of the most difficult things to do.

Thinking back, it was the fact that I could do all of that if I just was above ground that did me in. Because the fact that you know you have the ability and freedom to do something but just not at the moment, make you want it all the more whereas it's easier to disregard such a desire when you know you can't do ir regardless of the situation (unless you actually go and buy a smartphone).

However I still don't believe that we "couldn't survive without our phones", we have just become so used to be constantly being stimulated that we automatically turn to our phones when there's nothing to do.

We just have to work on that don't we?

Let's not do that again

As I write this it's been exactly 25 days since the worst week of my life started. I study a lot, I admit that, but I have never ever studied that much during a week's time that I did that week. For seven days I studied from 10am to 3am (4am for two days). I have never drunk that much coffee and Red Bull in my entire life.

Let me roll some numbers for you. Out of the168 hours during the week, I studied for approx. 105 hours, slept for 42, ate for 21, spoke to people for 1 and listened to Korean music for 120 (my last.fm ain't nice now).

I think the highlight of the week was when I was lying on the floor at 2am in the morning singing my hearts to a sad Korean RnB song not knowing any of the words in the lyrics. It was an unforgettable moment, I can tell you that.

To be honest though, I look back at that week now and almost boast about it, but it genuinely was a nightmare I hope I'll never have to go through again. It was f-cking brutal. The funny thing is, my coursework and exam turned out to be so crap it probably wasn't even worth it.

Isn't life wonderful?

The thing with designer stores

Photo: Mine

I'm just one of those people who are excessively anxious about a lot. School (no kidding), the future, school work, work experiences, socialising, not updating my blogs enough, having to change tube at Green Park (everyone living in London know I'm quite serious about this) and the things just pile up.

One of the things that I get especially anxious about is: designer stores. You see, there's a reason as to why after three years of living in London I still haven't been to Selfridge's (GASP!) and avoid Harrod's like the plague - I know my place.

There's nothing more cringeworthy than people who aspirationally wear designer clothes and particularly; bags. With other words people who shows off their designer wear (might even be real for all I care) when obviously they can't afford the lifestyle.

So when we get assignments which require you to physically visit a designer store, and believe me it happens often enough, I dread it for my life (ok this I'd say would be journalistic sensationalism but you get the idea).

Going into a designer store when you obviously aren't there to shop is probably the most self-conscious thing you can do. Imagine this: a fancy well-lit, minimalist store with huge glass windows on Sloane street with its millions of security guards and well-dressed staff. You don't even have to step into the store with both of your legs before: BANG they see you're not there to buy something. They see it on your bag. They see it on your shoes. They see it on your coat. They see it on your watch. They see.

So if you know a secret sign that says, "Hey please don't mind me, I'm just here to check the country of origin labels. Just pretend I'm invisible and don't talk to me. Cheers!', please let me know.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. You know with school, university and getting a degree.

If you haven't gone through university, I'm afraid you can't possibly understand the incredible internal struggle it puts you through. There's not only the physical efforts such as setting aside time and effort to study but the psychological efforts you have to exert just to be able to deal with everything that comes with higher learning.

Believe me, making yourself sit down and study for exams is just one little fraction of that cerebral civil war which constantly goes on in your head.

Not only do you have to exert a ridiculously high amount of (in my case) physiological efforts to be  sociable to fellow students and/or colleagues, you also have to battle with constant pressure to do extra curricular activities to boost your worthless CV. What's most psychologically demanding is however coming to terms with having to deal and produce coursework and exams which demand things you're light years away from being capable to deliver.

The overwhelmingness and feelings of insufficiency (not to mention during a long period of time) beats your brain up. It simply drains you. It drains the hell out of you.

People who don't have a degree survive, right? Despite their obvious disadvantages, they still live on, don't they? Yes, I have the opportunity to get a much better job than they do. But enduring three years of intense psychological battles (which probably will leave me slightly mentally disturbed) to gain a degree from an university that's - let's just say - neither Oxford or Cambridge, just to get this 'opportunity', is it really worth it?

Off mode

The first week back at Uni is almost over (only have the longest day to look forward to tomorrow) and what's the verdict? I have none because I've been too busy studying. Really, I've been studying everyday of this week. To be honest it was a pretty difficult to get back to the studying again (euphemisn for trying to make myself stop being on Tumblr 12hrs a day), but I did what I have to do.

So I was writing a review of the 25th Anniversary concert of Phantom of The Opera from Sunday. You know the glacial pace I work on these things but my plan was to have it done by Tuesday. But then out of nowhere my Reporting and Journalism teacher just threw us out on the street to find a story, write it and send to him before the end of the day. So that totally screwed up my plan, and with the review being outdated now, should I even bother?

Going back day

Goodbye Malmö. Photo: Me

Going back days are always bittersweet. Then again it's supposed to be 26 degrees in London tomorrow, so no worries.

Toodles, see you all back in Londonland!

THIS

One day, I will not hold myself back.

Can you tell I miss Malmö?

Got this the other day. Yes, I'm so sad that I subscribe to newsletters from Prospects. But what's more, what image did they choose to represent 'international opportunities'?! Turning Torso in Malmö! This is this the height of the excitement I get in my everyday life.

My big debut -or not

Hey, she's not dead!

Almost. So I've got no more hand ins or assignments before Easter break now -super big yeay! And again I'm quite bummed out because I'm not going back home, but on the bright side it's always nice being in London when you actually have time to BE in London but what's more my sister and brother is coming over for the break!

So the last 2 weeks have been quite eventful including an extremely awkward encounter with a man on a motorbike, having a heated conversation about Eric Saade at Pizza Express, having a wonderful M&S cheese cake at Regents park and another insanely stressful publication day. But the most remarkable (or I actually don't think it beats the Eric Saade thing but anyway) must have been going to an award show hosted by the magazine I interned at.

I've been preparing for the awards for more than a month - meaning I wrote the winners supplement.Writing about companies rebranding strategies week after week is intense I tell you, very intense. Anywho, of course I had absolutely nothing appropriate to wear. So I had to go and buy a dress literally 2 hours before the award. Just imagine a crazy person storming into H&M and buying the first best black dress she could find without trying it - that was me.

The awards was definitely something of its own. As Tiffany was being Tiffany, I was of course completely utterly out of place. I was surrounded by 300+ (!!) people in fancy suits and dresses. Although most of them were young (probably freshly off uni), I just felt like child at your parents' dinner party, or make that the baby at your parent's diner party. I wouldn't say a word, without thoroughly going through it 100 times in my head before so I wouldn't make a complete fool out of myself. There I let a brilliant networking opportunity pass by right in front of my nose. I'm intelligent am I?

So my internship at Communicate magazine is over. Have to say that I learnt a lot and if I ever crash and burn I could always write about corporate communication. Not to mention I actually have something in PRINT! Incredible.

Bye for now,
Tiffany

twentyone

The past couple of weeks have been insanely busy with coursework, internship, managing my subediting team et cetera et cetera. This Wednesay possibly saw the most intense 4 hours in my life, racing through dozens of articles, editing out things, adding links, uploading pictures. It was a journalistic madness. I had to even be forced to go to the bathroom before I actually went. But it's good fun, I enjoy it. I'm actually in denial of actually how much I enjoy it. You could at least have a look at our website, after those 4 hours of blood, sweat and tears. Hollowayexpress.co.uk

However in the end I pulled through and now with only one really short presentation left before Easter break I can finally have some down time. Thank god. Not to mention it's my birthday tomorrow. My first ever birthday being away from home (and surely not the last).

How can I turn 21? It should be illegal, TWENTY ONE?! I still haven't accepted that I'm 20! Time please! XD Anyway, the positive side of it all is that for the occassion I'm going to treat myself a iPhone 4. Yup, tech snob that I will be. Trying to sort out the micro SIM and everything right now, quite a process actually.

So yeah, what I need to do know is come to terms that tomorrow I'll be...2.....1? Goodness, bless me! XD

Toodles,
Tiffany

Dear Person,

I hope you're happy. You've done it again.

Every time I'm about to forget all about you, you just manage to come back. And this time you're in a god forsaken suit? If you are deliberately trying to kill me, you are doing a heck of a job.

Do you know why it has been bearable to look at you in (wherever it is), it's because you have no sense of style. And today you show up looking ridiculously smart in that shirt, black blazer and those black shoes. Despicable!

And that disgusting gorgeous smile of yours, I hate it! Do you know how hard it is not to stare when you do that?

So I have just one thing to say, and I mean it: Don't you ever let me see you in a shirt or combed hair again. I can't take responsibility for what I might do it happens again, whatever it is it won't be nice.

For now I'm just going to pretend you have a girlfriend and possibly never make eye contact again. Ever.

Yours truly,
Tiffany

When going mad always turn to Mad Men

I've been having these 'f*ck everything'-moments quite a lot lately, actually even 3 or 4 times just today. It's just so frustrating when one thing goes wrong after the other. Can I get a break, please?

Anyway, I have loads of work to do as always and coursework due date is not even close. Swell life I have right? Most recently I've I wasted about an hour on going through every freakin' issue of Camden New Journal in 2005 without finding the article about the abandoned pub I was looking for. I'm defeated by this  Investigative Journalism piece even before I've started writing it. There's journalism fail for you.

What else am I failing at? Ah, I spent the whole week working on my CV and cover letter for 'Journalism & Employability' in which we're (the class) is going to run the school's news website and before doing so we're staging the employment process for the different positions as in a real news website. Can you imagine? A whole freakin' week for 2, no actually 3, pages of text most of which are bullet points. There's just general fail for you.

In the end I was lying defeated on my desk, banging my head repeatedly on the wooden surface and decided to just f*ck everything. So I watched Mad Men until the sun decided to come out.

This was cheerful wasn't it?

Toodles,
Tiffany

The perks of not being me 1.0

I can actually come up with hundreds of advantages of not being me. Let me start with;

1. Socially awkward

"Hi, I'm Tiffany and I'm not able to be around people."

Sometimes I think I instinctively avoid being around people. It's not like I hate being around people, I just rather be alone (mostly...). And then I mope around for not having friends or being liked, serves me right, huh?

I just seldom ask people to do stuff together, I rarely text, I'm not on Facebook 24/7, I'm terrible at small talk, I don't know how to make funny comments, I don't have funny anecdotes to tell. I'm just really awkward especially talking in a group of people, I'm always the one smiling pathetically and swifting the weight back and forth with my feet. And now I'm beginning to understand that being the independent-headphone-girl is eventually going to be my death, at least career and relationwise.

The truth is I don't have problems approaching people, like talking to people I don't know or initiate conversations with people I know. I'm just incompetant when it comes to building up a relationship and surround myself with people.Why is that? How do you do it? Is there a Social Skill class I missed somewhere along growing up?

There you go, didn't this make you feel better? :)

Yours Sincerely,
Tiffany

A lesson well learned

The last weekend have really been a complete wreckage but ironically, enlighting at the same time.

I was facebook messaging a classmate on saturday afternoon, asking her about this essay we have for the class. The life defining moment came when she said: Wait I'm confused, didn't you submit it yesterday? I don't think my heart have pounded so fast and hard in my whole life. In cold sweat I rushed into my module webpage to check the deadline for my essay. The deadline was indeed yesterday.

...........................................................

For those few centiseconds the time actually stood still. Completely dazed I tried to understand that it was a fact. That I have not been able to meet a coursework deadline. Nothing int he world could change that fact.

You may ask, what's the big deal? The big deal is, in reality, that how well I may have done on the essay I will only get a D. But that was not the deal for me at that moment, I had screwed up and screwed up big, that was the big deal.

If my parents haven't calmed me down I might have done soemthing drastic or faint. They made me realize that it wasn't the end of the world, because it literally felt like that. Life is long and something like missing a coursework deadline will not define your life. When you make a mistake you'll learn from it and be more careful the next time.

School, education and jobs aren't everything. The truth is that there are infinitely more important things in life. Obvious for you maybe but not everyone feels the same, especially not if you're a psychopath like me. We just have to be reminded every now and then that's all.

Yours truly,
Tiffany

The Editorial assistant

I'm delighted to say that I have landed an internship!  It's for a small corporate communication magazine (you know very interesting stuff). Politically correct I'll be the "editorial assistant" (fancy isn't it?) and will basically do a lot of research and just help out with whatever. Still, I'm quite excited (actually bursting with excitment).

The interview went well, i.e I didn't embarrass myself, execpt for the awkward moment when the interview guy (magazine's publisher) found a dead insect in his coffee. And ebfore I knew I was invited to come along the upcoming week.

Tomorrow will be my first day and I'm going to help out at a conference they're holding in Russel Hotel. Formal dressing will be required, which will be fairly interesting since nothing in my wardrobe is particularly formal. With any luck I might not make a total fool out of myself tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Ciao,
Tiffany

He lives out in the sticks

Oh man, I really need to start a dream diary. I had the weirdest dream night and woke up smiling. Though I hate how dreams messes with your head. It's not real. Tiffany. It's not real.

It's less than a week before I'll go back home to Sweden! Feels too good to be true. So this last week I'm going to cram in as much as possible, like going to several exhibitions, the Winter Wonderland, shop a bit more and study.

I'm glad I've actually bought most of my Christmas presents now, only missing my brother's present. Plus another one that I ordered online that still hasn't come yet! Grr.

Wow, absolutely the most interesting post in history. But I'm too lazy to delete the whole entry, so here you go. :P

Please keep checking my news twitter!

Cheers,
Tiffany

The C word

Is it just me,or do you suddenly become solemn, slightly depressed and freakishly pressured whenever someone even mention words like "work experience", "internship", "future" or simply "it'll-look-good-on-your-CV"?

For a while there I was so happy because I thought I had overcome all of that. Obviously I haven't since I'm almost shaking my leg off in distress just by the fact that I'm writing about it.

It feels like I'm jeopordaizing my own employability by focusing on my school work. Because the real world demands a student that can balance: school, a part-time job, a social life, down time and a freaking internship. We all need to be super students or else you're doomed the second you step out of university with ONLY your degree in your rucksack.

I'm just not good enough. I can pretend that I don't do schoolwork 90% of my waking hours, but actually I am. I'm sorry, I'm SORRY that I need all of that time to study. I'm f*cking SORRY ok! The other 9% I cook, eat, go to the bathroom, get to school and get back from school. The remaining 1% is my downtime when I do stuff like Tumblr, talk to my parents, Tweet and read news. I've gotten so pressured that I feel like I need to contribute SOMETHING to my future even in my downtime, like freshen up my covering letter, blog, tweet, learn adobe indesign, look for internships etc.

It's like your whole life has to revolve around preparing for your future and being good at school is just not good enough.

I'm tired. I'm f*cking tired but it never ends.

Goodnight for now,
Tiffany

Caution, zombie passing.

So if you haven't noticed it's coursework period, and I've got a sh*t load of things to do. This week has been the most stressful so far and it's not even over!

Thursday was the worst. While my essay was due Friday I didn't realize until late Thursday that my essay was crap. So I spend the whole evening and night to rewrite it. Which resulted in only 4 hrs of sleep. I just want to say: I don't recommend it!

Anyway,  the next couple of weeks will be less intense (I hope) and I might even have time to blog.

I ahve to sort my life out now and it's stressful. How is it possible that so much pressure is put on students these days huh?!

Until we meet again,
Tiffany

What's wrong with you?

There are a lot of things that are wrong with me. Tons actually.

I'm not social. I have enormous thighs. I'm not an enthusiastic (aspiring) journalist. I cry too easily. I'm cheap. I'm boring. The list goes on forever. And this have become very apparent while job-hunting.

I'm inexperienced. I'm not time flexible. I have no network. I'm a foreigner. Why would anyone pick me over someone else. Sometimes I feel like a hopeless case.

We all are experts in finding faults in ourselves, aren't we? Whether it's looks or capabilities, there's always something we wish we were or had. But believe it or not there are actually tons of good points as well. They might be harder to realize, well of course, but those are the things that you should embrace and strengthen. Because in the end that's who you are.

I have to believe someday, someone is going to recognize my good sides and give me a chance.

Goodnight,
Tiffany